Let’s face it. The world can be unkind. Whether at home or work, in our communities, and in the world, we face violations of our dignity and even outright cruelty. Here’s the thing though…some of the harshest treatment comes from our very selves.
Cultivating self-compassion allows us to respond to our inner critic, to manage perfectionism, and to respond to setbacks. By learning to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we develop the capacity to extend that compassion to others, fostering stronger connections, greater empathy, and a more compassionate society. It is worth mentioning that some people who have little or no self-compassion have great compassion for others. Self-compassion is one way to transform our relationship with ourselves and others.
A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.
-Christopher Germer
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion, as defined by researcher Kristin Neff, is “being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, non-judgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognizing that one’s experience is part of the common human experience.”
At its core, self-compassion consists of three main components–self-kindness, which means treating ourselves with understanding and gentleness rather than harsh criticism, common humanity, which involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges, and mindfulness, which means being aware of our experiences, thoughts, and emotions without over-identifying with or suppressing them.
The Benefits of Self-Compassion
Cultivating self-compassion has profound effects on our well-being and relationships.
Research has shown that self-compassion reduces stress, anxiety, and depression, improves emotional resilience and coping skills, enhances motivation and personal growth, promotes healthier behaviors and long-term well-being, and provides a more stable sense of our worth.
Moreover, self-compassion extends beyond personal benefits. It increases our capacity for compassion towards others, improves relationship quality, reduces burnout in caregiving professions, and enhances our ability to take responsibility for mistakes and repair relationships.
Dispelling Misconceptions
It’s important to clarify what self-compassion is not. Contrary to what some people hear when they hear the word self-compassion, self-compassion is not self-pity or feeling sorry for yourself. It does not mean taking the easy way out or being selfish. It does not make you weak or vulnerable. Self-compassion does not lead to laziness or complacency. In fact, research shows that self-compassion increases motivation rather than decreasing it.
Overcoming Obstacles to Self-Compassion. Several factors can hinder our ability to develop self-compassion–fear of becoming lazy or falling behind, belief that self-criticism is necessary for success, concern about being perceived as selfish, perfectionism, unfamiliarity with compassionate behavior.
Cultivating Self-Compassion. Here are some practical ways to develop self-compassion.
Practice self-kindness. Use gentle self-talk. Instead of “You’re so stupid,” try “You’re doing your best” or “Of course you feel upset.” Talking to yourself with the second person, you, or with your first name is a powerful way to practice self-kindness.
Recognize that you are part of a common humanity. Remind yourself that everyone struggles. You’re not alone in your challenges. You are unique, but others have faced the same experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
Practice mindfulness. Develop awareness of your thoughts and emotions without judgment. Avoiding shoving your emotions aside or becoming over-attached. Your thoughts are not you. Your feelings are not you.
Try physical self-soothing. Place a hand over your heart or another comforting spot on your body such as the other hand, your knees, or your abdomen. This is especially effective when you are facing difficult emotions.
Cultivate a growth mindset. View setbacks as opportunities for learning rather than personal failures.
Try self-compassion meditation. Guided exercises can help you develop this skill.
Here’s a Simple Self-Compassion Exercise, and the Resources page of this website has a recorded meditation you can try out. (Just scroll down to the end of the page.)
Think of a challenging situation you’re facing (not too overwhelming).
Acknowledge the difficulty: “This is a moment of suffering.”
Remind yourself of your common humanity: “Suffering is a part of life.”
Offer yourself kindness: “May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
As you practice, place a hand over your heart or somewhere comforting. Feel the warmth and care flowing through your touch.
Embracing Your Inherent Worth
Remember, your dignity–your inherent worth–is not something you earn or lose. It’s a fundamental part of who you are from the moment you’re born. By cultivating self-compassion, you’re not creating worth, you’re simply acknowledging and honoring the worth that’s always been there.
As you embark on your self-compassion journey, be patient with yourself. Like any skill, it takes time and practice to develop. But with each small act of kindness towards yourself, you’re building a stronger, more resilient you – one who’s better equipped to face life’s challenges and extend compassion to others.
The next time you face a setback or struggle, whether internal or from outside, whether later today or next month, would you consider taking a pause?. Taking a breath? Would you consider offering yourself the same kindness you’d offer a dear friend, a child, or your younger self?
